I broke my fast last night... it was a glorious evening of celebration, all by myself.
I made dinner, prayed then curled up in bed with my laptop and a movie (Junebug!) and drifted off to sleep around 10pm.
The unforeseen consequences of fast breaking? I woke up at 3am full of energy. I managed to stay in bed until 5, but that was as long as I could stand it.
I've showered, cooked breakfast (a really yummy omelet!), checked my email, changed my facebook picture, and paid bills.
I've been taking my time and it's only 6:15.
The result of nearly three days of fasting? I'm a lot less preoccupied by certain things.
Marathon training and my hurt foot for one.
---------
I've read through all the books Leila and I picked out in Michigan for my summer reading, which is surprising, I didn't really think I'd get through them all. So, I went to see B.Shaw Sunday and got some from him. I'm reading Watchmen and Love is a Mix Tape and a book of Nabokov's short stories... I'll be done with the first two today I think, so I believe a trip to my sister's house to peruse her book shelf will be in order.
Also, I'm having dinner with the Rev. Mari Wiles tonight. Be jealous of me!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Why does self-discipline always escape me?
I have strong convictions about materialism and consumerism and the way I should spend money. (You know, Jesus, the Gospels, Paul's epistles, etc.- you can't really get around it) Of course, it's an area of life where I constantly fail. It's especially hard when there are very few people in my life that understand this conviction and are trying to walk this road with me.
I was discussing (whining about? complaining about?) this with John earlier this week. About how I'm so susceptible to going along with what my friends want to do- going out to eat, going to bars, etc.- in the interest of spending time with them and deepening those relationships. Sure, I could sit at a bar or restaurant and hang out with people without eating or drinking, but will power and self-discipline aren't my things. I'm working on that.
So, John, who is oh so different from me and far more naturally disciplined, does not see this situation as quite the complicated struggle that I do. He simply says, "make a budget, send it to me, and if you're honest I'll keep you accountable."
So, there you go.
The only two expenses I really have control over (I mean, I've got to pay my bills) are groceries and non-essentials/entertainment (when I get to Atlanta and settle into a pattern of life, I'll add gas to that). So, I have a very limited budget that I'm sticking to each week. It's been really good for me this week so far, and challenging since I'm in Charlotte with friends this week and had to go to a baby shower with a card and gift.
Luckily Angie and Preston appreciate people around them attempting to cultivate spiritual discipline. Angie was super excited about me giving her my copy of Henri Nouwen's In the Name of Jesus. (Yes, I gave her a book at a baby shower- seriously, the baby got enough stuff, Angie needs presents too, and she's trying not to accumulate loads and loads of baby stuff, and it turns out that her and Preston already love this book and needed a copy because they lent theirs out and never got it back).
(Aside- I'm in a coffee shop, and had a very amusing exchange with a man who started talking to me in a clear attempt at flirtation... then found out I was going to church in a little while and actually said, "so you're a Christian, you couldn't have voted for Obama." What? Where did that come from? I told him that actually I did vote for Obama, that I've been on board with Obama since the DNC in 2004. "But Obama's a socialist and a racist. He's the most dangerous man in America. He loves abortion" he said. Seriously? Um, I think abortion is 100% morally wrong, but I don't think the political issue is that cut and dry. I'm politically pro-choice. He stopped talking to me and left. Today's lesson kids: expressing opposing political views is an excellent way to end unwanted attention.)
My foot/ankle started hurting a lot on Friday while I was running. The right one, not the one I hurt this winter. I panicked a bit... I JUST WANT TO TRAIN FOR A MARATHON why is the world against me?????
But I'm trying to keep some perspective and see this as an opportunity. I've been wanting for a long time- since a few years ago when I started occasionally incorporating fasting into my life as a spiritual discipline- to fast for longer than a day. That's a challenge when you work out a lot. I can't really run 5 or 6 miles if I haven't eaten. Fasting for even a day takes careful planning and just doesn't happen more than every couple of months.
So, I'm resting and not running until at least Wednesday. I ate breakfast at 6:30 am yesterday- Saturday- morning and I'll break the fast on Monday evening at 8pm. I'm over 24 hours in now, with nearly two more days to go.
I won't say that I love fasting, because, really- have you met me? I love to eat and I don't love to deny myself things that are enjoyable.
But there is definitely an undeniable spiritual benefit, and I do love that.
The practice of denying this physical want sheds light on how often I am controlled by my selfish desires.
Fasting reminds me that I'm sustained by God, not food.
It connects me more intimately to the divine and creates more space, all the space that is usually taken up eating meals as well as thinking about when/how/where they'll take place, is opened up for prayer.
I always gain clarity about something, whether it was what I wanted or not, when I fast.
I hope that the next two days will bring more of that.
I was discussing (whining about? complaining about?) this with John earlier this week. About how I'm so susceptible to going along with what my friends want to do- going out to eat, going to bars, etc.- in the interest of spending time with them and deepening those relationships. Sure, I could sit at a bar or restaurant and hang out with people without eating or drinking, but will power and self-discipline aren't my things. I'm working on that.
So, John, who is oh so different from me and far more naturally disciplined, does not see this situation as quite the complicated struggle that I do. He simply says, "make a budget, send it to me, and if you're honest I'll keep you accountable."
So, there you go.
The only two expenses I really have control over (I mean, I've got to pay my bills) are groceries and non-essentials/entertainment (when I get to Atlanta and settle into a pattern of life, I'll add gas to that). So, I have a very limited budget that I'm sticking to each week. It's been really good for me this week so far, and challenging since I'm in Charlotte with friends this week and had to go to a baby shower with a card and gift.
Luckily Angie and Preston appreciate people around them attempting to cultivate spiritual discipline. Angie was super excited about me giving her my copy of Henri Nouwen's In the Name of Jesus. (Yes, I gave her a book at a baby shower- seriously, the baby got enough stuff, Angie needs presents too, and she's trying not to accumulate loads and loads of baby stuff, and it turns out that her and Preston already love this book and needed a copy because they lent theirs out and never got it back).
(Aside- I'm in a coffee shop, and had a very amusing exchange with a man who started talking to me in a clear attempt at flirtation... then found out I was going to church in a little while and actually said, "so you're a Christian, you couldn't have voted for Obama." What? Where did that come from? I told him that actually I did vote for Obama, that I've been on board with Obama since the DNC in 2004. "But Obama's a socialist and a racist. He's the most dangerous man in America. He loves abortion" he said. Seriously? Um, I think abortion is 100% morally wrong, but I don't think the political issue is that cut and dry. I'm politically pro-choice. He stopped talking to me and left. Today's lesson kids: expressing opposing political views is an excellent way to end unwanted attention.)
My foot/ankle started hurting a lot on Friday while I was running. The right one, not the one I hurt this winter. I panicked a bit... I JUST WANT TO TRAIN FOR A MARATHON why is the world against me?????
But I'm trying to keep some perspective and see this as an opportunity. I've been wanting for a long time- since a few years ago when I started occasionally incorporating fasting into my life as a spiritual discipline- to fast for longer than a day. That's a challenge when you work out a lot. I can't really run 5 or 6 miles if I haven't eaten. Fasting for even a day takes careful planning and just doesn't happen more than every couple of months.
So, I'm resting and not running until at least Wednesday. I ate breakfast at 6:30 am yesterday- Saturday- morning and I'll break the fast on Monday evening at 8pm. I'm over 24 hours in now, with nearly two more days to go.
I won't say that I love fasting, because, really- have you met me? I love to eat and I don't love to deny myself things that are enjoyable.
But there is definitely an undeniable spiritual benefit, and I do love that.
The practice of denying this physical want sheds light on how often I am controlled by my selfish desires.
Fasting reminds me that I'm sustained by God, not food.
It connects me more intimately to the divine and creates more space, all the space that is usually taken up eating meals as well as thinking about when/how/where they'll take place, is opened up for prayer.
I always gain clarity about something, whether it was what I wanted or not, when I fast.
I hope that the next two days will bring more of that.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I've had an incredible 24 hours.
The kiddos have been behaving. Hanging out with Jessica W. yesterday evening was, as usual, fun. My 4 mile recovery run (Monday's long run was 10.5!) was amazing.
Then John Halley called. He's back in the country. Surprise!
So I drove to Greenville, arrived at 10pm, we sat and talked for 3 hours, then I drove home and got in bed around 2am.
I don't remember the last time we got to just sit and talk for that long, just the two of us. At least two years ago, probably longer. Most of the times we've hung out in the past few years have been with other people, or us grabbing coffee for an hour or so at best when we're both in town for short periods of time.
It's so nice to have one of my best friends back. It was even nicer to leave last night knowing that it wouldn't be the last time I'd see him for an indefinite period of time.
Then, this morning, I talk to Haley and find out that not only is she not moving after all and I don't have to find somewhere new to live, she's going to run the Atlanta marathon with me at the end of November!
---------
I'm about 3/4 of the way through The Return of the King. I've read about 4 other books since I started this one. I'm trying to draw it out as long as possible.
You can't ever go back and recapture the feeling of reading something for the first time. I've reread certain books- Jane Eyre, The Harry Potters, The Twilight Series, The Chronicles of Narnia, The Golden Compass, etc. and wished that I could feel again the excitement of not knowing what comes next.
So I'm doing my best to revel in the final book of The Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
---------
Life is good.
The kiddos have been behaving. Hanging out with Jessica W. yesterday evening was, as usual, fun. My 4 mile recovery run (Monday's long run was 10.5!) was amazing.
Then John Halley called. He's back in the country. Surprise!
So I drove to Greenville, arrived at 10pm, we sat and talked for 3 hours, then I drove home and got in bed around 2am.
I don't remember the last time we got to just sit and talk for that long, just the two of us. At least two years ago, probably longer. Most of the times we've hung out in the past few years have been with other people, or us grabbing coffee for an hour or so at best when we're both in town for short periods of time.
It's so nice to have one of my best friends back. It was even nicer to leave last night knowing that it wouldn't be the last time I'd see him for an indefinite period of time.
Then, this morning, I talk to Haley and find out that not only is she not moving after all and I don't have to find somewhere new to live, she's going to run the Atlanta marathon with me at the end of November!
---------
I'm about 3/4 of the way through The Return of the King. I've read about 4 other books since I started this one. I'm trying to draw it out as long as possible.
You can't ever go back and recapture the feeling of reading something for the first time. I've reread certain books- Jane Eyre, The Harry Potters, The Twilight Series, The Chronicles of Narnia, The Golden Compass, etc. and wished that I could feel again the excitement of not knowing what comes next.
So I'm doing my best to revel in the final book of The Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
---------
Life is good.
Monday, July 13, 2009
I went to a church on Sunday that I loved, one that I'd probably get involved in if I were staying in the area long term.
Before the sermon, the children's minister got up and talked about how the week before he'd had a brain aneurysm that, throwing his doctor for a loop, healed itself unexpectedly.
I believe in physical healing and the movement of the holy spirit, but my issue is that the type of churches where that plays a central role are often, not simply theologically too conservative for me, but theologically naive.
And those that are more theologically sophisticated seem to lose the power of the Spirit. It's hard to have both.
Church of the Harvest in Carrboro was different.
And this church, Raleigh Vineyard Church seems to be different too.
The pastor preached from Mark, on the story of Jesus calming the storm (a departure from his series on Corinthians because he felt led to do so).
He walked the line with his sermon that I'm constantly trying to find in life.
Jesus has the authority to calm the storm.
God can do anything. God heals. God fixes. God changes.
But sometimes it doesn't seem to work like that. God doesn't. Or, doesn't seem to. And the question I always have is whether that's because we don't, I don't, pray well, or because what I'm praying for is outside of God's will or because the answer doesn't come in a way I recognize or maybe just not in a time I recognize. It's hard to pray faithfully when you're so busy intellectualizing the situation and thinking of all the possible theological explanations why God may, seemingly, not come through.
I feel like the real brilliance of the sermon Sunday were the instructions the pastor gave for what we're supposed to do in the midst of a storm. Cry out to Jesus. Resist the temptation to believe that Jesus doesn't care. Pray for spiritual discernment.
He had a lot of other insightful things to say, but I loved that the piece that was really driven home were these straightforward instructions that really do encompass the power of the Holy Spirit but with enough depth to cover the complexities of any "storm" we might face.
************
Yesterday I went on my longest run since I bruised the bone in my heel. About 9.5 miles. It was incredible. Unfortunately, my knee hurts a little today.
*************
The CAC kids are at KBC this week. Kendra came with them!
*************
Yesterday I was moments away from ruining all the healthy habits I've been recultivating lately. In an emotionally vulnerable moment I nearly binged on pizza and caffinated beverages. But just in the nick of time, Anthony Miller, who I haven't seen since I've been back in NC, called to say he was passing through Raleigh. I love that kid. It was so good to hang out with him for a while and catch up.
Before the sermon, the children's minister got up and talked about how the week before he'd had a brain aneurysm that, throwing his doctor for a loop, healed itself unexpectedly.
I believe in physical healing and the movement of the holy spirit, but my issue is that the type of churches where that plays a central role are often, not simply theologically too conservative for me, but theologically naive.
And those that are more theologically sophisticated seem to lose the power of the Spirit. It's hard to have both.
Church of the Harvest in Carrboro was different.
And this church, Raleigh Vineyard Church seems to be different too.
The pastor preached from Mark, on the story of Jesus calming the storm (a departure from his series on Corinthians because he felt led to do so).
He walked the line with his sermon that I'm constantly trying to find in life.
Jesus has the authority to calm the storm.
God can do anything. God heals. God fixes. God changes.
But sometimes it doesn't seem to work like that. God doesn't. Or, doesn't seem to. And the question I always have is whether that's because we don't, I don't, pray well, or because what I'm praying for is outside of God's will or because the answer doesn't come in a way I recognize or maybe just not in a time I recognize. It's hard to pray faithfully when you're so busy intellectualizing the situation and thinking of all the possible theological explanations why God may, seemingly, not come through.
I feel like the real brilliance of the sermon Sunday were the instructions the pastor gave for what we're supposed to do in the midst of a storm. Cry out to Jesus. Resist the temptation to believe that Jesus doesn't care. Pray for spiritual discernment.
He had a lot of other insightful things to say, but I loved that the piece that was really driven home were these straightforward instructions that really do encompass the power of the Holy Spirit but with enough depth to cover the complexities of any "storm" we might face.
************
Yesterday I went on my longest run since I bruised the bone in my heel. About 9.5 miles. It was incredible. Unfortunately, my knee hurts a little today.
*************
The CAC kids are at KBC this week. Kendra came with them!
*************
Yesterday I was moments away from ruining all the healthy habits I've been recultivating lately. In an emotionally vulnerable moment I nearly binged on pizza and caffinated beverages. But just in the nick of time, Anthony Miller, who I haven't seen since I've been back in NC, called to say he was passing through Raleigh. I love that kid. It was so good to hang out with him for a while and catch up.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
The world is plotting against me!!
I'm three days into giving up caffeine. Or, I was until a few hours ago when my order for a venti iced unsweetened passion tea (herbal and naturally caffeine free, but it helps create the illusion of drinking a caffeinated beverage) was mistaken for a venti iced unsweetened coffee. I like to think it was my charm and good looks that distracted the barista. Probably, he was just an idiot. It was corrected, yes, but you get to keep the messed up drink for free... my will is not that strong. What's a girl to do? I drank it. Then I drank my iced herbal tea. Back to square one.
The Line of Beauty's plot took a turn I didn't see coming at the end. I probably shouldn't have been surprised, though, considering the setting and character. It was an excellent book. One I think Sarah Edwards would appreciate, however, Sarah, I do not recommend it for another five to ten years. I will not be responsible for corrupting you by passing along a book with that much sex and drug use, as beautiful as it may be.
Today has been a brilliant day. The kiddos got over the attitude they had Monday-Wednesday this week. The sun came out so I could lay by the pool and read while they took their afternoon nap.
I just started The Return of the King. It's bittersweet in a way. After this I'll never again get to read these books for the first time.
Tonight, dinner with Melanie, then I'm going to see Jessica B.
Life is good.
The Line of Beauty's plot took a turn I didn't see coming at the end. I probably shouldn't have been surprised, though, considering the setting and character. It was an excellent book. One I think Sarah Edwards would appreciate, however, Sarah, I do not recommend it for another five to ten years. I will not be responsible for corrupting you by passing along a book with that much sex and drug use, as beautiful as it may be.
Today has been a brilliant day. The kiddos got over the attitude they had Monday-Wednesday this week. The sun came out so I could lay by the pool and read while they took their afternoon nap.
I just started The Return of the King. It's bittersweet in a way. After this I'll never again get to read these books for the first time.
Tonight, dinner with Melanie, then I'm going to see Jessica B.
Life is good.
Monday, July 06, 2009
It may be time to let this go...
Why can't I be consistent with this anymore? I don't know.
My life is blissful. Seriously. I spend an inordinate amount of time reading (Emily and Nicholas are eight and six now and shockingly self sufficient, they're outside playing as we speak). I lay out by the pool. I go for long runs when it cools down in the afternoon.
Books I have read in the past two months that you should pick up if you've never read them(thanks, in large part, to Leila Watkins and several other people who are near and dear to my heart):
Lolita
Margaret Atwood's The Blind Assassin
Phillip Roth's The Counterlife
Jonathan Safran Foer's Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Of Mice and Men
On the Road
Haven Kimmel's The Solace of Leaving Early (this was already a favorite, I just reread it, and gained a whole new appreciation for it after having read Tillich's Dynamics of Faith, which you should probably also read asap)
Graham Swift's Last Orders
Revolutionary Road
The Gospel of Thomas (any version with some history, the work itself is short, and it's a lot more meaningful in its historical context)
Henri Nouwen's In the Name of Jesus
Right now I'm reading The Line of Beauty by Alan Hollinghurst. It's great. Think a little bit of an Evelyn Waugh vibe + the Thatcher years. Although, I feel like I'd appreciate it a great deal more if I'd read any Henry James (I've got The Turn of the Screw, I think I'm going to pick it up soon, I bought it a while back because of Lost, you know, it's the book Desmond had the key in) or had any idea what the pieces of classical music that are constantly referenced sound like- I mean, I know that there's a difference between Beethoven and Schubert and Wagner various other composers, however the significance of mentioning specific music in specific situations is lost on me. It's a shame, especially since the books is so beautiful and subtly crafted that I know that understanding would make it more meaningful.
Also, I pick up David Sedaris's When You're Engulfed In Flames whenever I need to read for just a few minutes, before bed, etc. (thanks Erin!) and it's super fun! I'd read bits and pieces of him before, but never this much. He really is hilarious.
Recently I read a book Jessica gave me called Bet Me. Super fun. Bet Me is to Jessica Williams as The Blue Sword is to Christa Oakes. We've been discussing who should be cast in the event of a movie version.
Speaking of movie versions of books. If you know me at all, you know I'm generally not a fan of movie adaptations- you've probably heard me rant about what a bastardization of the novel Cold Mountain the movie is...
The Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers (I just haven't read Return of the King yet) being the only exceptions I've encountered thus far. I think I might love the movies more, the books are brilliant, yes, but the movies are really really brilliant.
But Revolutionary Road? Oh my goodness. Seriously. Amazing.
I loved the movie so much, but I had no idea when it came out that it was based on a book. I borrowed it from Jessica a couple weeks ago.
I think it's the best movie version of a book I've ever seen. The movie captures the essence of the novel perfectly. The characters are dead on. The casting is brilliant. The most striking scenes in the movie are straight from the book. I love them both equally. The book allows you to get inside the minds of the characters, but the movie is such a beautiful and striking visual representation of the story that it really does bring a new dimension to it.
Revolutionary Road is everything that a movie adaptation of an incredible novel should be. It's what I've been waiting for and why I continue to go, full of hope, whenever books I love are turned into movies.
Revolutionary Road is everything that a movie adaptation of an incredible novel should be. It's what I've been waiting for and why I continue to go, full of hope, whenever books I love are turned into movies.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Randomness.
I've been feeding my sister's kitties while she's out of town, which means staying at her place when I'm not at JW's... which isn't all that often.
There was a mishap shortly after my sister left town.
Now, I'm not an excessively vain or high maintenance girl, but I am half Italian. There are some things (eye brows, etc.) that must be waxed from time to time. I got a new kind of wax from target, heated it up in my sister's microwave, and began the waxing process.
Well... hot wax + kitties + me lacking coordination = disaster
The wax is not water soluble. Oops. I bought a huge bottle of baby oil in hopes of cleaning up the monstrous mess... but apparently my sister doesn't believe in paper towels. Or maybe she's just out. Either way, I'm leaving tomorrow morning with wax all over her bathroom.
Hopefully I'll talk to her before she arrives...
Last time I stayed here while she was gone Elisabeth and I ate everything edible we could find. I guess it's a good thing I took good care of the kitties. Otherwise I might get myself banished forever.
***********
In other news, facebook is the devil. Seriously.
***********
Also, I hung out with Katie Cole yesterday. That was excellent.
***********
I'm thinking I'm just gonna go to KBC for the summer. I was going to find a church in Knightdale/Raleigh that I really love and feel spiritually challenged and at home, but I decided to settle for familiarity.
I just up and left my entire life in Colorado. I'm going to start a new one in Atlanta in the fall. I'm tired of loving and getting to know people and then leaving them and having to try to care for and keep up with them from far away. I've got too many lovely and important people in my life that are far away as it is. I don't need to make a ton of new friends this summer. I'm just going to concentrate on the ones that I've already got.
***********
I'm done with men and dating and all the nonsense. I'm just going to marry Jonathan Nussman. Yes, I've informed him of this fact, I think he's nearly on board with this inevitability. Give me a few more months and he'll be 100% convinced.
There was a mishap shortly after my sister left town.
Now, I'm not an excessively vain or high maintenance girl, but I am half Italian. There are some things (eye brows, etc.) that must be waxed from time to time. I got a new kind of wax from target, heated it up in my sister's microwave, and began the waxing process.
Well... hot wax + kitties + me lacking coordination = disaster
The wax is not water soluble. Oops. I bought a huge bottle of baby oil in hopes of cleaning up the monstrous mess... but apparently my sister doesn't believe in paper towels. Or maybe she's just out. Either way, I'm leaving tomorrow morning with wax all over her bathroom.
Hopefully I'll talk to her before she arrives...
Last time I stayed here while she was gone Elisabeth and I ate everything edible we could find. I guess it's a good thing I took good care of the kitties. Otherwise I might get myself banished forever.
***********
In other news, facebook is the devil. Seriously.
***********
Also, I hung out with Katie Cole yesterday. That was excellent.
***********
I'm thinking I'm just gonna go to KBC for the summer. I was going to find a church in Knightdale/Raleigh that I really love and feel spiritually challenged and at home, but I decided to settle for familiarity.
I just up and left my entire life in Colorado. I'm going to start a new one in Atlanta in the fall. I'm tired of loving and getting to know people and then leaving them and having to try to care for and keep up with them from far away. I've got too many lovely and important people in my life that are far away as it is. I don't need to make a ton of new friends this summer. I'm just going to concentrate on the ones that I've already got.
***********
I'm done with men and dating and all the nonsense. I'm just going to marry Jonathan Nussman. Yes, I've informed him of this fact, I think he's nearly on board with this inevitability. Give me a few more months and he'll be 100% convinced.
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